The Sacred and Sane Diaries #1

Calling it a day.

I wonder sometimes how long I would have continued sitting in a church pew, going from seething to overwhelmed and back again within the space of mere seconds at times. I remember one Sunday morning driving home after church and saying to my husband that I knew I was in a negative headspace. I didn’t want to keep attending and feeling the way I was because deep down I know I am not a negative person. I was very aware my doubts and concerns were already spilling over in some conversations with church people, and it hadn’t felt comfortable or safe. I felt silently judged. Sometimes cheeriness and positivity were the tools of choice others used in their attempts to get me to pipe down. I felt jaded, cynical and downright unspiritual. I made others uncomfortable with my observations and questions. It was time to call it.

I sometimes think about what I would be like now, what my life would be like, had we not decided to call it a day with church. I would likely still be trying to navigate my world largely without boundaries, yet knowing I desperately needed them. I would probably still be thinking that I needed to give more, pray more, read my bible more. Probably still struggling to understand why certain things triggered me or incensed me. I would likely still have an irritable gut and be kept awake at night with fear and anxiety. I wouldn’t recognise that my expectations of myself were too high, and my expectations of others were unrealistic. That my perspective was narrow and static. That I was rushing myself through life at a pace which didn’t respect my energy levels, my changing capacity at professional and personal levels, or recognized the evolving responsibilities I was attempting to juggle. I probably would still be treating myself as a two-dimensional being. 

Thankfully, we did call it. This statement is not intended as a reflection on every person in every church. I don’t believe churches are inherently unhealthy places to be. I recognise that my own personal expiry date had arrived - and unlike those who believe that expiry dates are only a relatively recent thing, that ‘back in the day’ you gave everything a good sniff and if it didn’t make your stomach heave, then it was ok for consumption – I felt in my gut that it was time to call time.

Since then, I have made an agreement with myself to live more intentionally. One intention is to read something every day - even if it’s only a couple of sentences - which inspires, challenges or encourages me. The book Simple, Soulful, Sacred, by Megan Dalla-Camina was recommended to me and since then I now more fully understand how much I benefit from feeding my soul in a variety of ways including reading wonderful, permission-giving books, I ordered it online without hesitation.

Through her work and research, Dalla-Camina has discovered that women are looking for harbour in a storm of frazzledness and overwhelm. We want more. But this more we seek is of a particular variety: ‘What many of us are seeking is more sacredness in our lives. We want to step out of the noise and chaos and live more simply. We want time and space for what’s most important. And we have a deep longing for connection – to ourselves, with each other, with the earth, and with the soulfulness in our lives.’

Yesssss. Such sentiment is felt at the depths of our being. Yet it can be a confusing and conflicting concept for women in general, navigating the rough terrain of learning to consider ourselves more – especially if we have roles of care, often unpaid, unnoticed and undervalued. It can prove even more challenging terrain for women who have been operating within the confines of Christian tradition.

Shouldn’t Christians already be in touch with these ideals of simplicity, connection and soulfulness? On one hand we may believe we have these elements present in our lives by way of rituals, of community worship and prayer, of sharing our burdens with others. However, it is not everyone’s experience for church to consistently and authentically provide us with ways to experience deep connectedness to ourselves, others and the world around us.  

The phrase ‘the soulfulness in our lives’ really stood out to me. It encapsulates a concept which I recognise in hindsight has been a narrow, static thing for me. My sense of the sacred has slowly but surely widened, broadened and deepened over the past 10 years, and I am the better for it. But it’s been a struggle to do this. The struggle has involved feeling regularly triggered, angry, dissatisfied and deeply sad. It has involved sitting stoically in church hoping that all of this would pass. That led to deep disappointment: first with the machine that was my common experience of church, and then later, disappointment with myself over how I was a cog in that machine for a long time. Facing my own shame and guilt at how I used to be, how I used to communicate with people, and how I operated on a personal level. How I thought I knew what the term sacred encompassed. Yet I missed out on myriad ways to live a sacred life, because I was often compromising my mental equilibrium to keep in line with what I believed to be the Godly way. Now that’s soulful: the deep emotions we can feel when the veil lifts and we have a revelation, when we realise, we cannot return to that place: because now it is a place of both discomfort – the inner tension, and comfort – the certainty and formulaic structure.

I would not have it any other way. I have a life now which encompasses more of the soulful. And I want that for every person who has lived the downgraded version of their life, because the sacred version is available and rather than being a one-time limited offer - we can prioritise it for ourselves more intentionally, for the foreseeable future.

This is the first blog I have posted for a very long time. I have renamed my blog The Sacred and Sane Diaries, due to my own personal evolution, which encompasses the process of writing my newly released book Sacred and Sane: Six pillars for keeping your faith without losing your mind.

Thanks for being here!

A bit about me:

Author Rose Stanley lives on the Hibiscus Coast in Tamaki Makaurau, Aotearoa New Zealand. 

A favourite pastime for Rose is scouring op-shops for cheerful teapots and mugs. Rose is also committed to discovering the perfect scone – cheese or date, she isn’t fussy.

Rose has written a non-fiction book for women and five children’s picture books on emotional literacy and problem-solving. She loves to unpack big ideas in creative and quirky ways.

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